I've had the chance to encourage a few people lately with my story, so I thought, why not post it on my blog too. *Warning, it's long* I wrote this "Note" titled My Current Struggle, on facebook Thursday, June 12, 2008 at 1:02pm. Enjoy.
"Failure. Not something anyone enjoys. The feeling of rejection, not good enough, sadness, anger, questioning, blaming, and fearful seems to be the mix of emotions. I'm sure that list could go on. I've never had to really deal with failure until recently, in the past few years of my life. I'm not saying I've never failed at anything because I definitely have, but it has never bothered me. I've failed tests, not making a team, and at relationships. Just to name a few. I'm sure many of you can relate.
But when I was student teaching, finally living out my dream of teaching, I felt like a failure. It was then that I had to learn a hard lesson that a teacher can not necessarily be judged by grades alone. Yes, at some point you might question the quality of the teacher because of a constant pattern of bad grades. But this was how I was judging myself. Teaching high school is NOT the easiest job. I commend and have a very high respect for all high school teachers. Many students just don't care about school, learning, and have no respect. Complete opposite of what I thought when I was in school. So I was very naive of what I was going to expect when I finally had the chance to teach high school. Did I fail student teaching? Definitely not! I did a good job, actually. The school wanted to hire me, and finish the semester. But I felt like I failed because I was not happy.
After a long hard semester of student teaching, I decided to go back to school for my masters. It gave me a chance to rethink about my career. Maybe I'm just not ready to teach teenagers? I was questioning God about my career. Why am I miserable teaching, when this has been my one and only desire for a career choice? But then God reminded me of the good times, the rewarding times that I had teaching, and I knew that God had me where He wanted me to be. So I went back to Nicholls for my Masters. Not really knowing why, but everything fell into place: test scores, finances, a place to live, and even a spot as a graduate assistant. I know God had a plan for me here. I began teaching remedial math at Nicholls, and I couldn't have asked for more. I was in my element. Thinking that this is what I imagined my dream to be. Did I have students who didn't care? Sure. Did I have students who didn't make the grade? Sure. Did I have students who didn't want to be there? Sure. But I loved it! I enjoyed it! I loved my freshmen students! So I thanked God for my miseries for it lead me here! In fact, I met the wonderful man that will be my husband while in grad school. Now I understand the meaning of James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds…" What more joy could I ask for? Family, friends, a job, a fiancé!, all which I dearly loved.
So I'm coming to the end of my schooling, doing great in all of my classes. In fact, all A's and 2 B's. Even better than what I did as an undergraduate, especially in my math classes. I'm thinking this final written/oral exam won't be a big problem considering my grades and the student that I am. I mean, I knew it wasn't going to be a piece of cake. So I started studying in January for my test in April (which was really hard to do). I won't go into the depths of it all, but my worse nightmare happened. I failed. (I'm pretty sure I passed the written, but not the oral, again I won't go into this). Again, why God? I'm actually enjoying teaching college and I fail the final exam so I can't get my degree to continue on? Luckily, I do have another chance, one more chance to earn my degree. One last shot to prove myself. And I can not begin to explain the feelings that I currently have every time I pick up my materials to restudy all over again. I think I'm experiencing more of fear than anything. What if I don't make it again? What if I study the wrong material? What if I blank out on a question? What if I don't know the question? Will I ever be able to teach college again? The list could go on and on and on. I have to pray to God to keep these thoughts away, so that I won't be defeated again. It gets so overwhelming so fast. One thought leading to another…
But in the midst of it all, I think I finally figured out the HARD lesson God has taught me through all of this. I'm reading a book titled "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell. In the "movement" titled "Dust" Bell talks about the story in the Bible where Jesus is walking on water and Peter decides to jump out of the boat and try to be like his rabbi. What happens? Peter starts to sink and he cries out to Jesus for Him to save him. Jesus says, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" When I read this, I felt like God had slapped me in the face and said, "Hello? That's You!" Bell goes on to say, "Who does Peter lose faith in? Not Jesus; Jesus is doing fine. Peter loses faith in himself." This was me this past semester. I had all the faith and confidence in Jesus that He would help me to keep my study habits, keep my composure during this crisis time of testing, and get me through no matter what the outcome. However, all semester long, during many conversations, these words would spill out of my mouth, "If I pass then…" The big IF. Did I lose faith in Jesus? Definitely not, even through my failure. Did I lose faith in myself? I believe I did. A part of me kept feeling like, I can't do it. Regardless of all of the many many hours of studying I did, and the good grades I made in my classes. Why couldn't I be like that train, Thomas…you know, "I think I can. I think I can." So now I must face my fears, and be brave. Encounter this test one more time…with faith and confidence not only in my savior, but in myself. I am good enough for a Masters degree, and God has a college just waiting for me to have an impact on the students.
Thanks for listening to me vent. I felt like I had to get it off my chest. So here is my current struggle: having faith not only in God, but myself, that I can do it. Don't fall for the devil's schemes that you aren't good enough, because you are! It's all in His plan and for His glory. Amen."
Just to let you readers know, I did pass my exam the second go round a month later. In fact, I had never felt so relaxed and confident in my life on a test day. A month after my test, I was offered a position at a Community College teaching Math. You can read HERE of a blog that shows how I'm doing teaching.
Thank you God for trails and failures, for it is a glorious feeling to look back and see how You have grown me.
-Miche
